All of my life (30 years now -jesus, yesterday I found a grey hair in my nose – they dont tell you about that shit), the child in me has waited for certain things:

1. Flying cars

2. G.I Joe the movie

3. Stephanie Swift to quit porn, and take me away from it all (this is a recent dream).

Well, Friday it comes out. Marlon Wayans, as RipCord in G.I Joe, the Movie.

Just that, there, is enough to make me say, F*%$NG STOP. Please.  Leave my childhood alone.  I understand that he wants to become a serious actor, but dont pick this movie to do it in.  But, too late.  And now, the movie studio hasn’t even granted critics access to see the movie prior to the release to the public.  I mean, fuck-tastic.  Seriously.  Usually, that is reserved for the latest  90 minute Justin Timberlake travesty.

Look, I get it.  you are trying to appeal to a large market.  I know you have toys to sell. Fine, I am never going to see a rated-R G.I Joe.  Rambo is the closest thing I am going to get.  But, can you explain to me why Storm Shadow decides to fight Snake Eyes shirtless?  Really, how does that benefit him in any way.

it drives the story, you say.

Fuck you, I say back.  Why not just have him be naked then? at least I would get my R Rating.  Seriously, I am only interested in Snake Eyes using an UZI, and then cutting a motherfucker in half with his sword anyway.

Transformers – same company produced this as GI Joe.  I fucking hated Transformers, and didnt even see the second one.

Transformers 1 plot -

we are sentient beings from another planet that transform into clunkers.  We need the help of a stupid fucking snotnosed kid to help save the world, because, frankly, we need him to be in the car.  No one wants to watch Robots fighting / driving without a human around. {side note – i do}.  oh, and we are going to introduce the hottest girl on the planet, and give her some brains too.  Itll be great. Blowing shit up, blowing shit up, All Spark?

Okay, we have everything locked down in a dam, far away from the city, and the enemy is on the way.

Boy that we introduced earlier, take your slave car, drive to the most populated part of the city, and hold it up for all the enemies to see.  Then we can fight and kill thousands of innocent bystanders when this fucking Mack truck Tranformer, and Tank  throw themselves into building after building during the middle of a week day.

But, because I have some small piece of hope alive in me, I will see that goddamned movie this weekend.

I may not be SOBER, but i am going to see it.

Roll out.

The first thing I noticed was the fat girl in a polka-dotted bikini literally dropping her 3 year old into the pool and laughing.  That was before the gate closed on my entrance.  First, Big assed circles do NOT hide your big ass.

Okay, fine.  Moving on, drown your child, that isnt really my concern.  I just would be a witness when the cops come anyway.

As I round the pool, I notice another hick-laden accented girl ( I say this because she looked all of 18), taking her child out of the pool, and place him onto a patio table.

Now, the next 10 seconds is very important, so take a couple of minutes and focus.

She pulls the diaper off the child, and SHAKES THE DIAPER ON THE GROUND.  I dont know why she did this.  dont care.  All I could think is that last week, I had a fruit bowl on that same fucking table that your shitty-bare-assed child is now resting.

As she shakes the diaper, baby powder flies out and pelts someone next to her.

She then calls out to the first girl “Look at what your boy did to my child!” And pulls the naked baby up by the foot.

On the same leg as the held foot, Everyone at the pool could see a burn mark.

The first girl addresses a male at the pool, “We left a lighter on the floor, and my boy figured out how to use it…”

Remember where I said that the child was 3.  So a goddamn 3 year old is out there, being raised by these frigging fat animals, and has already figured out a childproof lighter.

I swear to christ  it is for reasons like this that I wish I had the Department of Child Services on speed dial.

I suppose that I should begin with something that inspires passion and fervor in my heart of hearts..

something that I revile so  deeply that when the thought of it enters my mind, I lose control of my bowels.

Trailer hitch testicles… I hate this ridiculous invention.

Who on earth decided that a jacked up truck and a bass pro shops sticker isn’t a big enough indication of one’s douche status?  (and on a separate note, unless you work for a company or have them as a sponsor, don’t advertise them for free!)  When I’m driving around with my kids in the car.. I don’t like explaining that the Ford in front of us at the stop light is not a transformer just because it is anatomically enhanced.  There are no autobot or decepticon scrotums.  This is not the conversational fare that I prefer to have with my four year old.

To those who feel compelled to adorn their hitch with a sack, I ask you this:  how manly do you feel when you unwrap that rubber cast of man berries and gleefully dangle it from your truck’s hitch?  do your neighbors snicker silently as they watch a grown man fondling nuts in his driveway with a smile?  do you think women will be drawn to your abnormally large rubber grundle?

And what woman in her right mind would make the three foot leap into this newly masculated vehicle?  Is she proud to pull up to Red Lobster with them swinging in the wind?  Does she find herself aroused at the thought of a man in a wife-beater with a penchant for auto-erotic personification?

My thoughts: lame, with a side of homo-eroticism.

2. a GODDAMN spectacular review.

Let’s set the web on fire.  Here we go.

I mean people should be JUMPING at the chance to review anything on our site!  You can choose anything.

The date rapist / pedophile type – Edward Cullen

The latent homosexual teacher – Lestat

The “JEESUSCHRIST” -Click here!

I dont want to be any of those.   I mean there is always the Kiefer Sutherland / Lost Boys possibility. But a 1 in 4 chance.  No thank you.

To me, the Vampire always seems to remind me of a peeping tom.

1.  Both come out at night.

2. Both stare outside an individual’s window

Jarrid’s rules to determining if it is a Vampire or a Peeping Tom:

1. Shoot Him

1a. Is he alive still?

1a1. Yes

1a2. Shoot Him Again.

1b. Is he still alive?

1b1. Yes

1b2. There you go.

A.Items to note of this blog:

1. I Cuss.

2. Mike Cusses, but much more eloquently

B. What are Mike and You reviewing?

1.  Whatever the fuck we want to (see Items to Note:A1&A2, namely 1 though)

We could review a movie one week, your mom the next, maybe review the movie of your mom. Hell, one review could span 15 blog posts.  I haven’t decided.  When I know, you’ll know. Can you get off my back about it please?

Next topic for review: See B.1